At this year’s graduation banquet for teachers, I was placed with the rejects: the night school teachers. In Japan, being a night school teacher is almost a punishment. The teachers are usually very young or… well, very strange. Maybe that’s why my friend, who sadly hasn’t passed her “lifetime employment” test at 32, was moved there from her day-time teaching post.
No matter, since the night school teachers who are in attendance are rather nice. I’ve met a few of these teachers before while chatting to my friend in her office, or at “second” or “third” parties, but a new face decided it was time to introduce himself. He asked the usual questions people ask foreigners, such as “What is difficult about life in Japan?” and “What food do you miss from your home?”
As usual, answers were unexpected.
“I’ve been to Japan several times before, so the only difficult thing for me is the school working culture.”
“I eat a variety of different foods in America. The only thing I miss is being able to find good Chinese food so close to China.”
This surprised him, but mostly in a good way.
He was especially surprised to hear that I don’t spend much time with other foreigners but prefer to hang out with Japanese while in Japan. I explained to him that I want to spend time with Japanese because I can spend time with Americans at home. I told him I should speak in Japanese because, well, I am living in Japan, right? Isn’t that normally what you do when you move abroad? When I admitted that I don’t like onsen because Japanese people want to stare at my genitals, he laughs, but I say I understand that Japanese are just curious. “You are not like other foreigners. Ii hito desu!” (You’re a good person)
When I talk to other gaijin, I get the feeling they don’t have similar experiences, even the ones who are fluent in Japanese.
“No one talks to me,”
“I have to start any kind of interaction,”
“Japanese only stick to their own groups.”
A lot of the complaints I hear are the same, and some are quite valid, but many people seem to miss some things that may just seem obvious to someone who comes from a culturally mixed background (like me). Here’s a few things I’ve learned.
1. Keep Most Complaints Out of the Work Place.
Don’t always discuss them with other people living in Japan, discuss them with the people back home! Unless it’s a problem that you think is easy to fix and worth fighting for, only bring up something that’s funny. For example, when I was talking to the night school teacher about trying to find a good Chinese place, I mentioned the kimchi many Japanese-Chinese places serve. Japanese know it’s Korean, so they’ll laugh too.
2. Learn to Assimilate a Bit.
If Chewbacca came to your hometown and started insulting your mother’s cooking because it wasn’t Wookie enough, you’d think he was a jerk, right? Well, if you’re the one expecting Japanese people to change just because you’ve arrived, you’re the hairy jerk now.
Think about what people say in your home country. “Why do we let so many foreigners in when they can’t even speak the language?” “Foreigners are killing this country!” “If you can’t speak English, go home!” That’s you now. You may think English makes the world go round, but it doesn’t. Most people will never honestly need to use English. Other cultures have survived for thousands of years before you came. Tourism may help Japan, but it doesn’t rely on it. While you may have a way of getting things to work, Japan has been functioning for a few thousand years without you and has done just fine.
You don’t need to fully become Japanese, but don’t always rely on your “gaijin card” (I’ll explain that a bit later). Wear colored shirts to work if you want, but not polos. Learn some polite phrases and body language. Use the common greetings, ask for some situational phrases, and just keep trying all that “weird” Japanese stuff that makes you feel like a bull in a china shop. Just like a Japanese person trying to give you a firm handshake rather than their usual weak ones, it’ll really be appreciated.
3. Don’t Rely on Your “Gaijin Card”
For those who have never been to Japan, let me explain: any time you do something silly, stupid, confusing, rude, or that just stands out in a that attracts attention, you can just say (in English or Japanese), “Sorry, I’m not Japanese / I’m a foreigner!” It’s never failed me, even with police (though I’ve also never tried it with anything serious like, say, murder). You’ll get a lecture at worse and maybe have to pay for whatever you broke/ate/forgot to pay for, and even that is rare in my experience. Japanese people in general will tolerate your ignorance.
This is similar to two, but with a twist: insist that you try to do something the “correct” Japanese way if you feel like you’re getting special treatment. People will offer you many chances to use the gajin card (“It’s ok, you’re foreign!”) but don’t always accept it. You’ll still get away with whatever mistake you made because Japanese people are usually super nice, but the fact that you show interest in doing things the Japanese way will get you some respect.
4. Greet People You See Everyday
I’ve done this in Kyoto during a month stay there and while living in far reaches of Kanto (well outside of Tokyo). I’ve gotten kids to stop staring at me and warmly greet me. I’ve turned mean looking old guys into friendly ojiisan. For people from a small town, they might be doing this already and not realizing how much of an advantage it probably gives them over “unfriendly” foreigners. Just give it a shot. Worse case scenario is that you get the kids to stop staring.
5. Share Your Culture
Someone out there is probably thinking, “But you just told me to assimilate!” To them, I say, “I said learn to assimilate a bit.” No matter how sincere or honest a person is, one thing that will always be a factor in the reason people talk to you is because you’re different. Welcome to my life! Embrace your differentness without pushing it on others. You can do things your way and people can appreciate them, just don’t be overly aggressive about it. Don’t do the “this is how it’s done in the rest of the world” thing (which, unless you’re really well traveled, only tends to make you look foolish).
Share something small that might be similar to a Japanese custom. It blows minds and earns international respect. For example, Japanese people are surprised I can use chopsticks. I simply mention how my hometown has many Japanese, Chinese, and Koreans, so when my classmates’ parents made food for school events, we ate with chopsticks. Minds blown, level increases, +5 to respect.
6. Embrace Omiyage Culture
You’ll quickly notice that when Japanese people come back from a trip, even a short one, that they bring back some little snack for you and your co-workers. This is omiyage culture, and you really should take advantage of it. This is especially true if you’ve been hired by JET because, to be blunt, we’re paid better than other teaching assistants. Don’t do the young person’s thing where you only buy something for friends. At the very least, get a bunch of cheap senbei for everyone at work (everyone).
People will remember this. They will be a bit kinder to you, repay you, maybe even befriend you. No, really, I’ve got several guys giving me much nicer omiyage when they return from a trip. If you’re shy or not sure how omiyage work, ask your supervisor or another Japanese friend for advice, or ask them to help you pass out omiyage. The extra face time you get (or positive word of mouth that spreads from other Japanese) will help make your life easier. Really, bribes get you everywhere.
7. Don’t Say “No” to Spending Time with Co-Workers.
Unless you honestly have plans that are super important or can’t afford it, don’t say no to outings. You know what most people tell me they dislike about foreigners they worked with in the past? The foreigners never spent time with co-workers outside of work. I’ve had several teachers say that the most important thing foreign teachers can do to make work life easier is to spend time outside of work with other teachers.
Even those work parties count, and you are seen are genuinely anti-social if you don’t attend them. If you have something else you’re planning to do, try to reschedule that event. If you can’t, get help explaining your situation and ask to please be invited another time (unless you can give them a specific time/place you can join in on the activity). You may not get a second invite if you reject the first one. I’ve done this one time and I still regret it. I’ve seen others who have done it multiple times and then they leave Japan without any new foreign connections. Seems like quite a waste to me. This is your opportunity to become a part of “the group” so don’t squander it.
8. Restrain Your Drinking Habits
Japanese get drunk, but in my experience, losing all inhibition and vomiting is the sign of a problem person, even in Japan. Don’t get too loud or too crazy. Only push slightly further than other Japanese do in loudness or bawdiness if you’re the partying type. While people will pretend they forget everything that happens the next day, they won’t. Trust me.
9. Try to Rely On Others
This is the one I personally hate the most. I could honestly write a whole article on it (and I will), but let me try to keep it short here: rely on other people.
Ask for small favors once in awhile. Even small things like asking how to read some kanji will make Japanese people feel you’re friendly and approachable. They’ll have an easier time talking to you, maybe even want to befriend you. Exchanging favors, especially outside of work, is really how to make friends with Japanese in my experience. Small gifts of food work too. Really, don’t be afraid to “bribe”!
Now, remember how I said not to complain about work? If you’re the type that has trouble holding that back, if you follow some of this advice, you’ll be around when people start whining about your boss. Add something, but be indirect. If someone has a similar problem, they’ll either work harder on fixing it or at least offer you moral support. Relying on others really does help build social bridges.
10. Try to be Independent
Photo anko.gaku_ula
I know, it’s confusing compared to #9, but the idea is that you also don’t want to make a nuisance of yourself. You can surprise people, especially if you’re a guy and, say, show that you can cook on your own by bringing home-made bento or giving hand made food to co-workers. If you’re a lady that’s not afraid to move a cicada outside when students or teachers panic, that leaves a good impression too!
Ask for help sometimes, especially at the start, but doing things on your own, especially in a public way, earns respect. If you can pick up a new skill, like fixing printer errors or mastering the system for getting CDs from the office supply staff without help, Japanese people will feel like you’re becoming a part of their society. Rather than needing to help you, they will want to help. I prefer to be independent myself, but there are times I need help. At first, there were some people who I could tell didn’t want to help me, and there are still a few like that (mostly people who recently transferred to my schools). However, once I’ve earned their respect, I can get help for things I didn’t even know I needed to do anyway (like getting a ride to a party I didn’t know existed).
Obviously this advice is more of a guide than hard rules, and your mileage may very, but let me put it to you this way: I’ve had people tell me that the guy I replaced didn’t participate in a lot of the things I’ve done. He was very un-Japanese, not so friendly, and was seen as lacking personality. The foreigners who knew him, at worse, said he reminded them of their younger brother, in that he could be annoying but meant well. While not a bad person, he did the things expected of foreigners and missed out. At worst, do you want to be remembered as a strange foreigner or a little brother?
